Truth Tuesday / / Running to Him

My hope in sharing my journey is not to appear dissatisfied with my life or ungrateful. I am VERY thankful for what I do have. I have a lot of wonderful days. But to be honest; some days are just not good and I feel like it’s important for me to be open about it all. These are moments written down, and they serve as threads in the great tapestry of my life.  

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The name of the Lord is a strong fortress; the godly run to him and are safe. – Proverbs 18:10. 

I started running last month. Running and I have never gotten along; a fickle relationship full of opportunity, but no follow-through on my end. You see, I was a swimmer: my lungs work under water but they are confused on land. At my peak, I could swim for two hours five/six nights a week, but run a mile? Nope, not for me! I avoided becoming comfortable with running for most of my life. But last month, while in a bit of a funk, I felt the urge to try again. Exercise has always been cathartic for my soul, but I had strayed away. It was time to reconnect with myself.

My period came 11 days late last month. I didn’t want to let my hopes get too high because pregnancy disappointment has been regular over the past almost two years. I had lost track of any semblance of a timeline. My mind was filled with moving details, not on a potential pregnancy, but I was certainly confused with the negative tests. My initial response was to crawl into a deep, dark, bitter hole full of self-wallowing. And I almost did (instead I watched Project Runway* and ate cookies). After the tears were shed, I looked around and realized I needed to literally shake the icky feelings off. Cookies only help initially, so I laced up my sneakers, stepped outside, and RAN.

It’s so hard to comprehend the why in this world. “Why didn’t I get what was ‘coming to me?’ I thought I was one of the first in line? Why is this so challenging?… It should be easy.” That dialogue is not constructive, but sadly it’s often my first reaction. When I was younger I thought being an adult meant you literally grew out of things: impatience, doubt, fear, etc. I thought the struggles of my youth would just slip away, never to surface again.

I suppose it was naivety to think everything could be neatly wrapped and tucked away. Some seasons the metaphorical box is wide open, contents spilled on my bedroom floor, and other times they are organized in a convenient container. Right now my contents are somewhere in the middle and all I can do is run to Him. I get annoyed with myself for not being at a stage of resolve. I don’t like being in the middle. But God is okay with my mess. He sits in it with me. I continually need to be reminded he wants us to bring our messy selves to him.

So I run to Jesus with my fears and doubts. Because that’s all I know to do. That’s all there is to do.

*If sitting on the couch, watching Project Runway isn’t your thing, Ariana Grande’s album is particular good for long runs. It’s pure pop goodness.

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Truth Tuesday | Direction

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“But in my distress I cried out to the Lordyes, I prayed to my God for help. He heard me from his sanctuary; my cry to him reached his ears.” Psalm 18:6 

I am in this perpetual state of “figuring life/myself out.” Remember this post about being grateful? Yeah, still working on that. Disappointment and jealousy when a friend becomes pregnant? That too. I’m also trying to craft a non-emotionally charged answer to questions like, “Ohh, so when are you going to begin having little ones?” Believe me, if I had the control (Maybe it’s good that I don’t always have the control) they would be here.

I am weak in the flesh.

I’ve never blamed God for my infertility. I believe he’s crying right along side me, but the days are long.

A couple of weeks ago, I took a “personal” day. I wore my new overalls, browsed Ulta (maybe not just browsed 😉 ), bought chocolate from Trader Joe’s, and enjoyed an iced coffee. This also happened to be the day I went to my doctor to get a referral for an infertility specialist.

Back in January, we were put on a sex schedule (Can I say sex schedule on the internet? Well, I just did.). I was instructed to come back in four months if I still wasn’t pregnant. I’m still not sure if now is the right time to start official treatments; the time, money, energy, planning, it’s all a lot to consider. One part of me wants to settle in to our situation… relax, let God’s “timing” take over, but another part wonders if God is saying, “Hey, remember science? It’s ok to seek help.”

In the past, when I’ve dealt with disappointment I would cope by downplaying my own ability or claiming I never really wanted that thing in the first place. It’s a total cop-out. It’s challenging to admit, not only to yourself but also to the world, that what you set out to achieve didn’t work out as planned.

I thought a lot (while drinking my iced coffee) about redirection. I had a direction…a plan for my life and while this road isn’t something I bargained for… I am on it and gosh darn it, I want to enjoy the life I’ve been given.

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Truth Tuesday / / 002

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Thank you for all of your responses to my first Truth Tuesday! I had so much fun compiling my first list, I thought I’d do another.

Here are my truths for this Tuesday.

/ / In junior high, I had a geocities website devoted to 7th heaven. I was pretty active on message boards, making friends and enjoying the community activity. Geocities didn’t have buttons for italicizing or bolding fonts, so I even learned how to code a little.

/ / In college, a couple friends asked me to “model” for a school project. I really hope Ogden* (who also photographed our wedding) achieved a passing grade because Oy! some of my faces are priceless. This was clearly around the time I watched a lot of America’s Next Top Model 🙂

/ / I swam competitively for almost ten years. Even at the peak of my cardio ability, I barely managed running a mile without gasping for air and stretching out a side cramp. Swimming for two hours each night? No problem. Running and I simply don’t mix.

/ / Food has become super complicated lately: paleo, vegan, gluten-free, whole 30, no sugar, sugar (only if it’s unrefined!), organic, but better yet just grow your own food on your own farm. Food is taking up a lot of headspace and yet, it’s such a privilege to be able to choose to eat or not eat something. I miss the days where as long as I ate salad it was okay to eat cake.

/ / After the 1996 USA Olympic women’s gymnastic team won gold, I convinced my parents to let me take lessons. It only lasted three months before I determined I should stick with water; there’s less hand/eye coordination needed.

What are your Truths for this Tuesday?

*© o.m.f.c. photography

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Truth Tuesday

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A couple of months back, I noticed women sharing “truth moments” surrounding motherhood on social media. While I supported the cause through likes and comments, I inherently thought I couldn’t join without being a mom. That thought plagues me often, the one where I think I don’t belong because I’m still waiting for that right of passage as a grown woman. It feels similar to when we wait for our first bra; you don’t want to be the last. You don’t want to be left behind. I realize that is a dangerous and unhealthy road to travel, but never the less the thought sneaks in often.

So, as just me, a women, here are my truths for this Tuesday.

// I use paper towels. I know the environment hates me but, until I have my own washer/dryer, I’m not sitting on filthy rags for a week.

// Sometimes I workout four days a week, sometimes it’s only once. When life is hectic or overwhelming I let it go and pick back up the next week…it’s been a long winter, ok! 🙂

// Long division? Forget about it. I don’t remember how to do it by hand anymore!

// I actually do enjoy cooking, but a week long meal plan still alludes me. Despite my best efforts, cereal or eggs wind up being dinner towards the end of the week.

// I enjoy watching television and becoming invested in the characters lives. Jordan and I feel like we are basically a part of the Braverman clan.

// On certain occasions when editing photos, I’ve used the Photoshop patch tool to remove breakouts on my face.

// When I was younger, I used a notebook to jot down every Baby-sitters Club book I read to make sure I didn’t miss or re-read one. I will still watch the movie if it happens to be on TV!

What are your Truths?

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