I spend a lot of time thinking of fertility and my lack there of, time spent on trying to not spend so much time thinking of what I want but yet don’t have…it’s all rather exhausting. As the years go on, sharing bits and pieces of our story is difficult for the very reason it’s rewarding: people are invested. It’s a lot easier to keep this part of me internal, but I can’t do this alone so I will continue to share.
I’ve felt unsettled lately. It’s a cross between lack of sleep and this season of busyness we’re in. The aspect of timing haunts me whenever I am required to think too far in advance (which is very unlike my pre-infertility days). This apprehension leads me to avoid forecasting and planning, but I also become frustrated when last-minute things arise which cause Jordan and I to be apart. The job of trying to have a baby is taxing at times.
In August, I finished my fourth round of ovulation stimulation drugs (three rounds of Clomid, one round of Fermara). My doctor was hoping to kick my body into gear, so I was prescribed a higher dose. Thankfully, I didn’t feel many side effects despite the change in dosage. The big difference for the month was I had an ultrasound to check the general status. Lo and behold I had SIX eggs. My follicles and uterine lining were healthy too, which was really nice to hear.
“I’m not sure why you are having trouble conceiving with all of these eggs,” the technician kindly joked.
“Yeah, I couldn’t tell you.” was the only response I could muster.
I left my appointment with a stern warning about the likelihood of conceiving multiple children. Long before beginning fertility drugs, Jordan and I had a discussion and felt comfortable despite our increased chance (my grandmother had twins naturally, so one never really knows). I tried waiting, but I caved and took a pregnancy test. I felt pretty positive during the five minute wait. When the time was up, I stared at the indicator as one pink horizontal line dashed my hope.
I wrestled for a moment, in the bathroom, on how I would react to the disappointment. I mean, my body appeared to be optimally geared for baby making. What was wrong this time?
My patience gets tested on a monthly basis as there is no way to know if this month will be the month. We were advised to take time off of Clomid so my follicular fluid could fully absorb.
“There are only a few more months for the possibility of a 2016 baby,” are the thoughts that plague me.
So much of this journey begs me to answer this question from God, “Will you trust me?”
“Will you trust me with your hopes, dreams and desires? Will you trust me in providing for you? Will you trust me in the seasons of drought and plenty?”
Trusting in His sovereignty…in His love for Jordan and I, isn’t easy but it is the only way.
What next, Lord? We just want to bring you fame.