Today is my ninth wedding anniversary! I still vividly remember the early days and yet here I am, staring down the big ONE-OH.
I’ve been thinking a lot about how children change a marriage. I am in awe of couples who, during the beginning of their marriage, have children in quick succession. Jordan and I both wouldn’t have handled the chaos well. We’re still finding a balance and some days we manage better than others.
I know I am not the only one who has read blog posts and articles on the importance of keeping your marriage at the forefront after children. As someone who is still in the thick of baby-land I am here to share a slightly different perspective, albeit my own perspective.
Even when you love your spouse, there will still be seasons when your marriage won’t be priority number one. Spoiler alert — this doesn’t mean your marriage is in trouble.
I am writing this on Saturday night, the night Jordan and I were supposed to celebrate our ninth wedding anniversary. A babysitter was all lined up, but Phoenix took a strange turn (due to teething) Friday night and we didn’t feel comfortable leaving him. He wasn’t eating well, due to a blood blister, and kept breaking out in random crying fits.
Jordan still had a CD release party to attend (which originally we worked into our date night), so after a simple dinner at home he left. I stayed home and an episode of Big Little Lies (I am savoring it slowly) and read a few chapters of Picnic in Provence before going to bed early.
This is not a typical how to keep your marriage #1 even in spite of sleep deprivation. I am writing to say it’s okay if your marriage looks different from what you thought after children. Especially that first year of a child’s life. The first year is tough!
This difference doesn’t mean you are failing or need to be concerned about your marriage. Jordan and I often communicate to one another about how this season of life is about saying yes to work opportunities, community relationships, and family time. When we’re both not working we want to pour our energy into Phoenix — time alone, this first year, isn’t our main priority. Creating space for the three of us often means Jordan works late after Phoenix is in bed. One day, soon, things will start to turn and we will have more time together.
So, if you wonder how date-nights work when you are exhausted or can’t afford extra childcare or your partner travels a lot or maybe you value time at home because you work long hours, I understand. I, too, am still figuring it out.
I love you, Jordan. Thank you for supporting me and understanding coffee, especially in the morning, is my love language.