Will You Trust Me?

Infertility | Will You Trust Me?

I spend a lot of time thinking of fertility and my lack there of, time spent on trying to not spend so much time thinking of what I want but yet don’t have…it’s all rather exhausting. As the years go on, sharing bits and pieces of our story is difficult for the very reason it’s rewarding: people are invested. It’s a lot easier to keep this part of me internal, but I can’t do this alone so I will continue to share.

I’ve felt unsettled lately. It’s a cross between lack of sleep and this season of busyness we’re in. The aspect of timing haunts me whenever I am required to think too far in advance (which is very unlike my pre-infertility days). This apprehension leads me to avoid forecasting and planning, but I also become frustrated when last-minute things arise which cause Jordan and I to be apart. The job of trying to have a baby is taxing at times.

In August, I finished my fourth round of ovulation stimulation drugs (three rounds of Clomid, one round of Fermara). My doctor was hoping to kick my body into gear, so I was prescribed a higher dose. Thankfully, I didn’t feel many side effects despite the change in dosage. The big difference for the month was I had an ultrasound to check the general status. Lo and behold I had SIX eggs. My follicles and uterine lining were healthy too, which was really nice to hear.

“I’m not sure why you are having trouble conceiving with all of these eggs,”  the technician kindly joked.

“Yeah, I couldn’t tell you.” was the only response I could muster.

I left my appointment with a stern warning about the likelihood of conceiving multiple children. Long before beginning fertility drugs, Jordan and I had a discussion and felt comfortable despite our increased chance (my grandmother had twins naturally, so one never really knows). I tried waiting, but I caved and took a pregnancy test. I felt pretty positive during the five minute wait. When the time was up, I stared at the indicator as one pink horizontal line dashed my hope.

I wrestled for a moment, in the bathroom, on how I would react to the disappointment. I mean, my body appeared to be optimally geared for baby making. What was wrong this time?

My patience gets tested on a monthly basis as there is no way to know if this month will be the month. We were advised to take time off of Clomid so my follicular fluid could fully absorb.

There are only a few more months for the possibility of a 2016 baby,” are the thoughts that plague me.

So much of this journey begs me to answer this question from God, “Will you trust me?”

Will you trust me with your hopes, dreams and desires? Will you trust me in providing for you? Will you trust me in the seasons of drought and plenty?

Trusting in His sovereignty…in His love for Jordan and I, isn’t easy but it is the only way.

What next, Lord? We just want to bring you fame.

33 thoughts on “Will You Trust Me?”

  1. “What next, Lord? We just want to bring You fame!”
    Yes! It is so hard to feel those words sometimes, but we must live them out.
    I hope that you have a baby, and God knows what is best. But whatever He does, He is still good.

  2. Thank you for continuing to share your journey with us so honestly. I have a lot of friends going through various health trials right now, and despite test after test, everyone keeps getting the “good news” that “everything looks fine.” I’d imagine it makes the waiting and the pain even more frustrating when there seems to be no physical reason for it. I’m praying for you to see God’s provision in your life today and that his provision includes a baby for you and Jordan soon!

  3. Thanks for sharing your continuing story. My husband and I have been trying (not for very long) and concerns about infertility are starting to creep up in my mind. All the women around me either have or are in early pregnancy with baby #3. Also, hearing family members say things like “where’s the baby? we’re not getting any younger!” is starting to upset me. Then when I take a second to calm down and think, I remember that a pregnancy is a miracle and no matter how many times I chart my cycle, ultimately God is in control – I just need to trust His plan for me (just like you’ve written!). I pray that God would continue to use you and Jordan in this season of life to bring glory to His kingdom and that He would work in a mighty way through the both of you!

    1. It can be really frustrating to have people in your life talk as if we have more control over this area in our life. Now, God designed our bodies in ways that allow science to play a role (I mean even that our monthly cycle can be charted is crazy!) but I am not the creator of life, He is. I’ll be praying for you.

  4. I will be praying for you! Pregnancy problems and infertility run in my family, which scares me to death. It makes me want to begin trying right away to have enough time to make sure it happens. But you are right, trusting in God is all that can be done. I hope you are soon blessed with tiny little babes, perfect and healthy.

    1. I’m not sure it would have made the waiting any easier but I do wish I would have taken the time to chart prior to even thinking about having children. I could have bypassed some of the earlier testing. And thank you, prayers are always appreciated.

  5. hugs sweet friend.
    this was beautiful, raw and haunting, and still utterly beautiful.
    keep trusting in the Lords timing, even when it is beyond miserable. <3

  6. You know we are praying for your concerns and your patience until it is God’s time.
    Keep having fun in the meantime! These days as just the two of you are so precious.

  7. Until I entered the blogging world, I had absolutely no idea infertility was something that so many women struggled with. Normally, it’s a silent struggle, but when I read your story – and that of others in a similar situation – it made me think on it a little harder. It’s started many conversations between myself and best friends, and caused me to watch my mouth before I spout off about ‘making babies’ to people I barely know. I also understand the patience and counting out the months and where a baby might land. We haven’t started trying for a family yet, but sometimes I’m tempted to start sooner ‘just in case’ … yet, I know others who did the same and got pregnant in.two.seconds. Haha it is all in God’s plan (which is so hard to ‘go-with’ many times) but is always the best path for us. Prayers for you and this difficult waiting game.

    1. Honestly, I didn’t fully understand infertility prior to reading blogs either. I knew about it in relation to other medical issues but I didn’t know anyone in my life who had “unexplained infertility”. It’s been a learning curve for me!

  8. My prayers are with you. I’m sorry you’re going through this waiting period. I’m sure once it’s over and you look back you’ll know why this wait was important, though I know that doesn’t help you now. I hope this unsettling period will be over soon and you’ll have your 2016 baby… or babies 😉

  9. Just popped in to say how much I love you and Jordan. Your words are heavy, yet filled with grace. I am continually inspired by your strength– I know some days must be so hard. Thank you for being a voice for so many that I’m sure are struggling silently. We are all rooting for you and trusting with big wide open hearts! Warmth and blessings to you both always. (Miss you so much!!) xo

  10. Trusting, yes, that’s the only way. Our natural desire is to plan, of course–there are aspects that can seem so fun and convenient…but this is not an area where planning works very well. Early this year us and Angel’s brother and wife were all joking about/planning on having babies at the same time. Only she lost her baby and I haven’t got one yet. So the beginning of the year will come and go with no babies instead of two. Trusting is needed….a whole lot more than plans of any sort I guess.

    1. I’m sorry to hear about her sister-in-law. I wish I would have gone into our marriage with a more open understanding on family planning. There is a lot of discussion on how not to get pregnant but very little on what it looks like when loss is in the picture. Miscarriage is 1 in 4 and infertility is 1 in 7…it’s going to hit a lot of couples!

  11. Whenever my husband and I talk about not having children just yet, I remember those who do want to conceive and I am humbled. Waiting to have children is a personal choice for us but there are days when I’m okay with not having any kids at all. But then the Lord gently reminds me that there are couples who have been trying and it’s been difficult, and I need to remember them (you) in prayer.

    And so as I type this comment, I say a prayer for you and your husband.

  12. You are so much of an inspiration and you are making God’s name famous with your testimony. Being in the center of a waiting period is never a fun time but trusting in God is our opportunity to show His power and presence to the world. Keep on hoping and my prayers are absolutely joining in with you. Where two touch anything in agreement, it shall be given by our father, in Jesus name. Lots of love in this waiting season!

  13. This is so brave of you to share. I have many friends who are going through the same struggle right now and sometimes I feel like I can’t talk about the subject because I don’t want them to get upset. Sometimes I even worry how I will tell them once I am pregnant because I will almost feel guilty. I can’t imagine what you are going through but I completely appreciate you trusting your readers and the web with this part of your life. I love that you bring God into your life as well. Even though it seems like you aren’t getting what you want there is always something greater in store that we just can’t see yet. I’ll keep you in my thoughts and look forward to reading more of your blog!

    -Chandler @ Life as a Larsen

    1. Thank you for those kind words, Chandler. It’s tricky. The words that tend to sting is when people say, “It’s going to happen, I just know it!” In theory positive thinking should be encouraged but I’d rather have someone tell me I know this must be hard. My husband and I love being involved in our friend’s kids lives. It brings us a lot of joy so don’t feel guilty if you have to announce a pregnancy.

  14. This is my first time reading your blog, and all I can say is sister, you are strong. The Lord is with you and He makes you strong. I also struggle with infertility but have not shared my story yet with many people; thank you for sharing yours and allowing others to join in and agree with you in prayer.

  15. Hey hon,

    I’ve just stumbled upon your blog for the first time and I’m glad to read a bit about your journey. Marcus and I struggled with “secondary infertility” for over six years. One of the hardest times in my relationship with Father. I’m now pregnant with child #4 and it’s amazing to see our family living out our prayers. The hardest part is knowing that and seeing others’ stories not ending the same as mine. I’m so happy for you and Jordan for how Father is answering your prayers! He is trustworthy, no matter the outcome but it is nice when He chooses to say “yes.” Blessings to you and all the Shorts excitedly awaiting this bundle of joy!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *