Truth Tuesday / / Running to Him

My hope in sharing my journey is not to appear dissatisfied with my life or ungrateful. I am VERY thankful for what I do have. I have a lot of wonderful days. But to be honest; some days are just not good and I feel like it’s important for me to be open about it all. These are moments written down, and they serve as threads in the great tapestry of my life.  

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The name of the Lord is a strong fortress; the godly run to him and are safe. – Proverbs 18:10. 

I started running last month. Running and I have never gotten along; a fickle relationship full of opportunity, but no follow-through on my end. You see, I was a swimmer: my lungs work under water but they are confused on land. At my peak, I could swim for two hours five/six nights a week, but run a mile? Nope, not for me! I avoided becoming comfortable with running for most of my life. But last month, while in a bit of a funk, I felt the urge to try again. Exercise has always been cathartic for my soul, but I had strayed away. It was time to reconnect with myself.

My period came 11 days late last month. I didn’t want to let my hopes get too high because pregnancy disappointment has been regular over the past almost two years. I had lost track of any semblance of a timeline. My mind was filled with moving details, not on a potential pregnancy, but I was certainly confused with the negative tests. My initial response was to crawl into a deep, dark, bitter hole full of self-wallowing. And I almost did (instead I watched Project Runway* and ate cookies). After the tears were shed, I looked around and realized I needed to literally shake the icky feelings off. Cookies only help initially, so I laced up my sneakers, stepped outside, and RAN.

It’s so hard to comprehend the why in this world. “Why didn’t I get what was ‘coming to me?’ I thought I was one of the first in line? Why is this so challenging?… It should be easy.” That dialogue is not constructive, but sadly it’s often my first reaction. When I was younger I thought being an adult meant you literally grew out of things: impatience, doubt, fear, etc. I thought the struggles of my youth would just slip away, never to surface again.

I suppose it was naivety to think everything could be neatly wrapped and tucked away. Some seasons the metaphorical box is wide open, contents spilled on my bedroom floor, and other times they are organized in a convenient container. Right now my contents are somewhere in the middle and all I can do is run to Him. I get annoyed with myself for not being at a stage of resolve. I don’t like being in the middle. But God is okay with my mess. He sits in it with me. I continually need to be reminded he wants us to bring our messy selves to him.

So I run to Jesus with my fears and doubts. Because that’s all I know to do. That’s all there is to do.

*If sitting on the couch, watching Project Runway isn’t your thing, Ariana Grande’s album is particular good for long runs. It’s pure pop goodness.

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18 thoughts on “Truth Tuesday / / Running to Him”

  1. You say “that’s all I know to do”. Amen! That is all you should do. It is all he wants, us to turn to him all the time. You’re ahead of half of us 🙂

  2. God is waiting to give you a child until Mark and I are ready for a child so that we can raise them together and they can be best friends and eat good food, and play so many instruments, and listen to so much music and swim all day. <3

  3. What a beautiful post! I truly just want to hug you. Though we didn’t struggle with getting pregnant, we sure had our bumps along the way. After I had my second miscarriage, I was truly done, I didn’t even want to say I wanted babies out of fear of having my heartbroken again. But the Lord kept bringing me back to Daniel 3:17-18 where it says, ” if it be so , our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the furnace of blazing fire; and He will deliver us out of your hands, O king. But even if He does not,” I just love that! Even if He doesn’t He is still good, He is still faithful!

    1. Thank you Mariel that was such an encouragement to me. It’s hard to get to that place where I get outside my own desires, timeline, expectations and align with Gods plan for my life.

  4. XOXO. Again, so much I could say to you/with you… and yet if I were with you in person right now, I’d simply give you a huge hug. I wonder sometimes – when/if it happens some day (for me), will “it all” make sense? Will I look back on this time and have an “ah-ha” moment? Perhaps… and still, maybe not. Regardless though, I take comfort in knowing that whether my brain makes sense of it or not – I have a King who takes great care of my heart and my life… each and every day, each and every second… no matter my thoughts or questions. And the same is for you, sweet friend. (( HUG ))

  5. Hi there!
    I was on insta and one of your pics came up in the “explore” section and I linked to your blog and thought I’d say hello to a somewhat kindred spirit :). My hubs and I also moved away from Chicago (about 5 1/2 years ago), we’ve struggled with infertility and in and out of an enormous amount of medical testing and have tried lots of natural health ways to help to no avail. (Im also dairy free- 2 years and counting) I thought I’d write because I know that going through this journey is so tough especially since it is a unique ache and pain. It has been isolating too since at 30, most of my friends have 2-3 babes now and that makes social situations more challenging emotionally. You are not alone and I hope you find genuine community in Nashville! It seems people I meet are on the other side of infertility and though that brings some solace, it is still lonely. You may want to check out my fave blogger who has been on this path for over a decade and she has a transparency and tenacity for life that is inspiring! http://www.ablogaboutlove.com
    Anyway, just wanted to “drop a line” and connect 🙂 I’ll pray your soul is filled up with many joyful experiences!
    Happy day-
    Brandy

    1. Wow, thanks Brandy! It is very isolating and one of the reasons we moved away from suburban living. It was hard finding people my age who don’t have kids! (not that I won’t spend time with friends who do…) I didn’t know that infertility would be something I’d end up sharing on this space, but I’ve found such genuine, caring people, which really does help aid in the struggle.

      I will check that blog out.

      Thanks for stopping by!

  6. Catherine, I found your blog through the Peony Project, and started exploring. This post really hit me. We struggled for about a year before our first pregnancy. And in that year, I struggled a lot. We experienced so many things going on around us, and wondering why things weren’t happening for us. It was a huge learning process. I just wrote this post yesterday…it was inspired by a family member and close friend both suffering miscarriages/losses of a baby in the past month. I wanted to be there for them as much as I could. Blessings and prayers to you. I prayer for those I know struggling with infertility each day and would be happy to add prayers for you!! Take care of yourself, and know that He has it all under control: (“Putting the pieces together…”)
    http://www.simplycomplexmom.com/?p=255

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