Truth Tuesday | Direction

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“But in my distress I cried out to the Lordyes, I prayed to my God for help. He heard me from his sanctuary; my cry to him reached his ears.” Psalm 18:6 

I am in this perpetual state of “figuring life/myself out.” Remember this post about being grateful? Yeah, still working on that. Disappointment and jealousy when a friend becomes pregnant? That too. I’m also trying to craft a non-emotionally charged answer to questions like, “Ohh, so when are you going to begin having little ones?” Believe me, if I had the control (Maybe it’s good that I don’t always have the control) they would be here.

I am weak in the flesh.

I’ve never blamed God for my infertility. I believe he’s crying right along side me, but the days are long.

A couple of weeks ago, I took a “personal” day. I wore my new overalls, browsed Ulta (maybe not just browsed 😉 ), bought chocolate from Trader Joe’s, and enjoyed an iced coffee. This also happened to be the day I went to my doctor to get a referral for an infertility specialist.

Back in January, we were put on a sex schedule (Can I say sex schedule on the internet? Well, I just did.). I was instructed to come back in four months if I still wasn’t pregnant. I’m still not sure if now is the right time to start official treatments; the time, money, energy, planning, it’s all a lot to consider. One part of me wants to settle in to our situation… relax, let God’s “timing” take over, but another part wonders if God is saying, “Hey, remember science? It’s ok to seek help.”

In the past, when I’ve dealt with disappointment I would cope by downplaying my own ability or claiming I never really wanted that thing in the first place. It’s a total cop-out. It’s challenging to admit, not only to yourself but also to the world, that what you set out to achieve didn’t work out as planned.

I thought a lot (while drinking my iced coffee) about redirection. I had a direction…a plan for my life and while this road isn’t something I bargained for… I am on it and gosh darn it, I want to enjoy the life I’ve been given.

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8 thoughts on “Truth Tuesday | Direction”

  1. I think life is a perpetual “figuring it out” state but it’s never something I can get used to. I’m a huge “but that’s okay” person like I’ll tell you someone stuck a knife in my back “but that’s okay.” Life’s weird. But I wholeheartedly believe you will have children someday (I’m not an authority on it but I have all the feelings on the subject) and I am praying with/for you and Jordan. Love you both.

  2. So much to say, dear friend. Only the two of you know what’s best for your “unit” right now. So whether that means treatment or being still for the moment, whichever choice you make will be the right one. (What a statement, I know, but you and I know full well there’s not much you can say other than I’M HERE FOR YOU!) I’m for certain that God will continue to bless your road, in so many ways, whichever path you choose. He knows your heart – He made it, after all. He wants only good things for you – and that’s what I remind myself of on the hard days. He will not forsake me.

    XO. Sending you lots of love. (And gosh darn it, I’m going to miss you when you move!)

  3. I’m a little late in checking out your post, but I wanted to say thanks for linking up. I love your honesty here. And your hat is super cute!

  4. I’m sorry to hear about the difficulty you have been facing with infertility. My husband and I have not started trying to have children yet, but I know the same feeling when people ask you “Ohh, so when are you going to begin having little ones?”. We want to have children very much, but feel that it is not the right time in our lives to be able to support a child in all the ways they need. It has been so hard to wait, but we are praying that God provides the jobs we need in order to start our own family soon.

    1. Oh yes, those are hard questions to answer in a split second. This journey has been terrible, but I also can take a step back and realize that I will be better off for the challenge (though I hate it haha).

      I will be praying for you and your husband as you begin to make those choices.

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